Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Grown up stupid questions

Here's a random meme. Have fun, kids.

Twenty deep questions that will really tell you something. Not stupid questions like "How Old Are You?" All NEW, Grown-up stupid questions!!!

1. Is it difficult for you to look into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? Nope.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry? Uhhh... hahahahahahaha... SPIDERS IN THE COOLER!! That's all I have to say. Fuckin' hooer spiders.

3. You will die in three minutes. Last call? Erin.

4. You have three months to live.
(1) What do you do with your remaining days? Party my ass off with my "family of choice" and try to leave a mark on the world before I punch out.
(2) Would you be afraid? Probably...

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love. One doesn't go without the other. Sorry, thanks for playing.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? Save the dog. When my boss threatens to fire me, I'll tell him that I'm going to work for the ASPCA and our first local legal case will be against my employer for disregard to animal welfare and the canine right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of doggy happiness.

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Yeah, even though it would probably mean... ba ba ba BUM... certain death!

8. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? Please, I give people places to live for free. Of course I'd want to be my friend.

9. Does sex=love? How much does it cost?

10. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss? For what? A hanky for the co-worker? Jesus... I work in Corporate America, where compassion = weakness and weakness = unemployment. However, I would make my co-worker a bundt cake to cheer them up. I make excellent bundt cakes.

11. When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel? This afternoon.

12. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back? That I'm pregnant with a form of alien spawn, and therefore never loved them.

13. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? breathing.

14. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? This evening.

15. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have "no regrets" what would you change? *Yelling across ocean of time at former self* College degree = money, shithead!!!!

16. Imagine, it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. What do you do? Turn on the outside lights. I SEE YOU OUT THERE, CURTIS!!! WEIRDO!!

17. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? I don't know CPR and you just can't fake that shit.

18. You are holding onto your Grandmother's hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other which one would it be? Uh, both my grandmothers are dead so I'd definitely drop the corpse. Probably out of reflex (agh!). Welcome back to the world, newborn baby that I do not know.

19. Are you old fashioned? Old-fashioned is good for three things: milkshakes, cars, and makin' whoopee.

20. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before? True love and a carton of cigarettes and case of liquor, deliverable to me after said heartbreak. Might as well do it in style.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Embracing the American dream... moving cross-country!

God, it's been awhile.

Well, all our shit is in Greenville now. We moved last weekend... I have to say, now I really do have a reason to be a good person, because I had a glimpse of what hell will be like when I die this weekend. It was like a long season of hell on earth. Between being caught in traffic jams that made us so late we couldn't pick up the truck until the next day to idiot roommates (read: the llama, also known as Normandy) that refused to help with the work to be done to car batteries that needed to be replaced, from start to finish, this was a horrific weekend.

I've read that mothers who go through natural childbirth forget the intensity of the labor pains. I believe, much like the pain of those births, those who move themselves 600 miles forget the pain of packing, loading, cleaning, painting, driving, etc. Otherwise - WHY WOULD WE DO IT AGAIN?!?! Good lord.

Well, they say perspective is everything. I have to say that even though it was a weekend of pure hell, I still had fun in a perverse kind of way. Shane and Curt, two of our best friends, came up and helped us move and pack and clean, et al, and honestly there was a LOT of laughter. It may have been because it was one of those situations where you either laughed or cried, and yes, some of it was hysterical laughter, but it was laughter nonetheless. Shane and I composed a list of memorable quotes from the weekend, and I'd like to share them here, harvested from our memories in no particular order. (If you're wondering, Dioji [who's quoted in this list] is one of our cats and we make the cats "talk" from time to time.) FAIR WARNING: It was the weekend from hell, guys. There's a fair amount of foul language and general piggishness in the dialogue outlined below.

QUOTES FROM THE WEEKEND OF HELL ON EARTH (otherwise known as moving from Indy to Greenville):

Curt: Did I stutter? Wasn't a damn thing to ponder in that sentence...

Becky: Oooo! Our minivan is black!!!
Erin: Awesome!
Becky: Yeah, now we can be the lesbian soccer moms...
Erin: ...of DOOM!

Shane: I like looking at the Enterprise wench.
Becky: Yes, the Enterprise wench is nice to look at.
Erin: Shane, shut the mouth.
Shane: Shutting the mouth...I'm just saying, I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
Curt: Unless she wanted to fuck on the floor...

Erin: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape...
Shane & Becky: Dumbledore!
Becky: Ron...Ron...Ron Weasley!
Shane & Becky: Dumbledore!

Shane: I think it's just that I love the idea of a Harry Potter that knows he's a fuckin' rock star...

(Van is caught in a one-hour stand still traffic jam)
Shane: If zombie apocalypse happened right now...we'd be SO screwed.

(After escaping the traffic jam, we run into a second line of cars)
Shane: Does this classify as ironic?
Becky: No Shane, I think, much like the lyrics of the Alanis song, this is merely unfortunate.

Becky (to the tune of "I'm Coming Home" by Daughtry): I'm cut-ting grass...I'm not afraid to show my ass...

Shane (to a stupid driver): DRIVE IT!!!

Shane (to a stupid driver): SIGNAL, BITCH-SHIT!!!
Becky (cracking up): Holy shit, did you just say bitch-shit?
Shane (laughing): I did!

Shane (to a stupid driver): LESS TALKY, MORE DRIVEY!!!

Becky (offering biscuits and being ignored): Sharing is caring... Sharing is caring...SHARING IS CARING!!!

Erin: This thing doesn't have cruise control.
Shane: Give the wheel to Curt. Then it'll be on pussy control.
Becky: Ah-ooh-WAH!

Becky (during the drive home): It's a good thing Gary didn't come...we don't have room for him.
Shane: We could always have strapped the llama to the hood.
Llama: (from back seat) These are for you guys...
Shane: Are you flipping us off right now?
Llama: Yes...
Shane: That might be more effective if we could SEE you, dipshit.

Erin: Um...does anyone know where the key to the truck is?
(long pause)
Becky: Hear those crickets? Maybe they can tell ya.

Curt (after a long, tense pause): I just need to say that my ass cheek has been cramping for like the last 5 minutes...
Shane: I'd like to share that the Mexican food made my poo poo really stinky.

Becky (breaking chopsticks apart unevenly): I'm gonna need new chopsticks.
Erin (breaks chopsticks): ::sigh:: Me too.
Curt (breaks chopsticks): Yep, me too.
Shane (breaks chopsticks cleanly, looks around): ...
Curt: Whore.

Becky (after hearing "Hey There Delilah" for the five millionth time): Delilah can go fuck herself.
Shane: It's not her fault that her boyfriend's a whiny bitch that doesn't know when to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

(After moving furniture for 12 hours, Shane and Curt are moving furniture to the dump. Huge dogs bark at them.)
Shane: Just eat me now.
Curt: Aye, s'ok. Put me out of my misery.

(Small yappy dog barks at Shane)
Curt: Get him, killer! That's a rogue of a man you're after!

Becky (singing): Ramming Normandy's car, Ramming Normandy's car...
Erin (singing): Ramming, Ramming, Ramming, Ramming, Ramming Normandy's car...!

Becky: How's your food?
Shane: ...Meat. (continues to chew corned beef)

Becky (pointing at an old lady): Hey, man, there's a hot chick right there...you were looking at her, weren't ya?
Shane: If I wanted that, I'd date the llama.

Becky: This eats my ass...and not in that good way.

Shane: I'd fuck Columbia...the goth one, too.
Becky: Magenta?
Shane: Yeah...
Becky: But she's all into the whole incest thing...
Shane: So? I'd do them both at the same time.
Becky: Magenta and Riff Raff?
Shane: Hell yeah...I mean NO! No, that's not what I meant!
(Becky and Curt LTAO)
Shane: (to Becky) Asshole.
Becky: I do have an asshole. He is in my back seat. His name is Shane.

Curt: Fuckin' hooer!
Erin: I am SO glad my word has caught on...

Becky: Ah, Starbucks, sweet bastion of my salvation...

Erin: Is anyone hungry?
Shane: Yeah, let's hit the buffet at Adult World.

(As they pass the giant cross outside of Adult World)
Shane: Goodbye, Giant Cross of Sexual Deliciousness...

Shane: (tries to make a joke over the walkie talkies)
Erin: Was that English?

Becky: Oh my FUCK it's cold in here!!

Becky: YEEEE HAAAAAAAA!! Let's throw away all my shit!!!

Erin: This road owes me dinner.
Becky: The road owes you dinner?
Erin: Nobody does this to my ass without buying me dinner.

Becky: Could ya make that one extra sweet?
Starbucks Guy: Um...we could add vanilla or we have other things we could add...prolly can't add more chai... (rattles off a list of various sweeteners and syrups)
Becky: How bout ya just add more SUGAR?!
Shane: Asshole...

Shane: My Jeep has been bucking like a bull with an enema.

Curt: I like my coffee like my women...
Becky: Ground up and in the freezer?
Curt: No, strong, black and bitter.

Shane: Cold, black and bitter works too.

Dioji: You fuckin' whores! You just wait until I get outta this bathroom... I'll scratch your fuckin' eyes out!!

Dioji: The stupid fat hobbit in the front seat won't shut the fuck up!

(Normandy walks by, pouting & holding her TV)
Shane: Let me ice pick her with the screwdriver. There's gotta be a pig farm somewhere around here.

Becky: Thanks for the tip, bitch.

Erin: Curt has decided that everything looks like breasts to him.
Becky: That building on the horizon with the rounded top kind of looks like a breast...

Curt: And if you look to your right, ladies and gentlemen, you'll see the giant tit-building located in beautiful downtown Louisville...

(Erin lifts dolly into back of van)
Shane: Look at you!
Erin: What?!
Shane: You're like...Action Barbie!
(Erin punches Shane)

Erin: Shane called me Action Barbie...
Becky: That is AWESOME!
Erin: WHAT?!
Curt: Yeah, Action Barbie is cool.
Shane: Yeah...she does...stuff.

Becky: So chill out, Action Barbie!
Erin: Assholes!

Erin: I'd like a number one combo with tea, a number two combo with coke, a number four combo with tea, a number six combo with tea, two sausage biscuits, and two cinnamon raisin biscuits.
Hardee's Girl (after a long pause): Could you repeat that entire order please? I missed it all.

Shane: Yes, because both English and Math confound me.
Curt: Fuckin' hooer.

Normandy (scared): We're about to go over the big bridge over the river, aren't we?
Becky: Yep...hey, what the hell was that?

Shane: Do you hear kind of a... like a creaking sound?
Becky: Yeah, yeah, sounds sort of like... tortured metal!

Shane: Wow, like right beneath us!
Normandy: Assholes.

Shane: We're about to be wet assholes.
Becky (laughing): We are so gonna die...
Normandy: I hate you both!
(Shane and Becky laugh uncontrollably for five minutes)

(After Shane and Becky cart a massively heavy carton of Normandy's books downstairs)
Curt: Jesus, what was in that?
Shane: The fucking public library.
Becky: Normandy, you better read all those books at least ten fuckin' times or I will personally jam every single one of them up your ass.
Shane: I want fucking essays!

Becky (having just put a curly fry in her mouth): AHH!! Hoh frah... hoh frah... IN MAH MOUF... IN MAH MOUF... HOH FRAH... HOH FRAH!!!

Becky: (cussing and growling w/ the walkie talkie in her hand)
Becky: (blinks, looks at walkie talkie, pales) Shit...was I holding the button down?

Curt: You parked in a fairie circle, Shane? Nice job, dumbass!

Curt (unhooking Shane's Jeep battery): Shane, I feel like we're at a point in our relationship where I can say that your breathing reminds me of a dirty phone call, and it's really starting to turn me on.
Shane: Awesome, man.

Becky: How shitty would it be if Normandy's car broke loose and flew at us riiiiiight....now!
Curt: Not very... at least all this would be over.

Reading back over these, I'm laughing my ass off all over again. We laughed a lot, moved all our stuff to SC, got rid of a lot of stuff we didn't need, and suffered through the hard parts together, which actually made it all that much more fun. Looking back... maybe it wasn't all that bad.

Take care, all. Until next time...