Rest, little puppy. For the love of Christ, go to sleep already!
I’m so sick of all this going back and forth in my brain. I forgot that when I have a problem to chew on, or a really important decision to make, my brain is like a little rat terrier that worries and worries and worries a bone… it just won’t let it go. Even when I’m not thinking about it, I’m thinking about it. And it’s starting to freak me out. I know what I will probably eventually do (i.e. move back home), so it’s not really the decision that my brain is trying to make. I think it’s all the different aspects of moving back to Greenville that are scaring me.
I think I need to work on having more faith in myself and my abilities to act/live like a normal, responsible person. When I moved up here from Greenville in 2004, I was a totally different person. My life had turned into this black pit with greased sides. I was miserable, and completely self-destructive. I was also not a very nice/good person – I was pretty selfish, and I didn’t really know what it was like to work a full-time job that wasn’t a bullshit position (sorry, but FastSigns was b.s.), among other things. Of course, at the time I was pretty out of it mentally and emotionally, and moving away from all that crap down there definitely helped me get my ducks in a row in those departments. I’m more comfortable with who I am and how I feel about a lot of things than I used to be.
But I can feel that Greenville-panic seeping back into me. It seems like while I lived there I was in constant Oh-shit mode. Oh-shit, I have to find a job, Oh-shit, my family’s pissed at me, Oh-shit, I don’t have enough money to pay my rent, Oh-shit, I’m falling into some kind of crazy depression, Oh-shit, what am I gonna do now?! You know what I mean. I just have to keep reminding myself that a PLACE does not make a PERSON. Regardless of the town, I should be the same person no matter where I am living.
I guess what I want to do (when I think about moving to Greenville in my hopeful daydreams, not my terrified imagination) is start over in Greenville, with a clean slate, and do there what I did here in Indianapolis. Find a great job, a fabulous place to live, have a healthy, functioning relationship with someone I’m head over heels about, and be an all-round generally ok person – financially, emotionally, romantically, etc. The thing is, I love Greenville as a city, and the South in general (there are some pretty shitty parts of living in the South but overall it really is a great place, and I will be a Southerner until the day I die). I just have terrible memories of Greenville, and all the crap I went through there. But if I can just be the person I am here while I’m living there, I’ll have it made. That’s what I really want… I’m successful here, but there’s no one around that I care about to show it off to. To PROVE that I have changed. Erin already knows, and so does Norm. I think I just want to show the rest of the world… well, the rest of the world that knows me. If that’s egocentric, I don’t care. Everyone’s entitled to at least a little egocentricity.
On a side note: I’m entirely ready to live in a place where employers don’t make you feel guilty or accuse you of not being a “team player” when you leave early because there’s 6” of snow on the ground and the roads are terrible… Don’t worry, you’ll probably be treated to a mini-rant about this later, heh.