Weight loss

I know I said I wasn’t going to go on and on about my weight loss efforts, but I just wanted to post an update. If this is boring to you, feel free to skip… This entry is entirely weight loss related.

I set a goal last week to only weigh myself once a week for the next six weeks, on Mondays. I did this because I was making myself crazy, getting on the scale two or three times a day, obsessing about how much I’d lost or if the numbers had fluctuated upward (as they are wont to do with anyone, given the time of day, how much water you’ve ingested, and the random alignments of the planets). So I restricted myself. It was harder than I thought it would be, but I managed to resist the temptation to step on the scale all week last week. And I was rewarded when I got on the scale and found that I had lost another two pounds! Finally – I had been stalled for about a week and a half, maybe longer. I was starting to get worried!

Now I have officially lost exactly thirty pounds. This was my first goal – thirty pounds, and I said I was going to sign up for a martial arts class. Since I don’t feel like my physiology has changed all that much and I am still extremely overweight, I have decided to extend that to fifty pounds. I need to figure out what martial arts class I want to take, anyway. Also, I am worried about cutting a night out of my exercise routine. I know that martial arts will still give me a workout, but I am not sure if it will get my heart rate up and running for the 45 minutes that I try to get it to do every day to burn fat the way I want to. I might start looking around at gyms soon, too. I am doing all right at the fitness center at our apartment complex, but soon I am going to want a change. Walking is really starting to get old. And when something gets old and boring, it's that much harder to do all the time. If I'm at a gym I'll have access to a lot of different workout equipment, plus a pool that's made for swimming laps in. Also, if I can invest in a personal trainer for a few sessions, I’m sure that I’ll get some good advice about the direction I should be going in with weights and exercise. Right now I’m just kind of flying by the seat of my pants…

Thirty pounds – the number is not even real to me. I don’t feel a great sense of accomplishment. In fact I feel pretty much the same – people are telling me that they can tell that I have lost weight, but I can’t see it when I look in the mirror. I feel almost exactly the same. I wonder if that is going to stick with me forever? God, I hope not. I’m so done with looking in the mirror and hating what I see.

If I can just stick with how this is going, I could be at the weight I want to be by the first of April, next year. Actually if I can continually lose two pounds a week, I’ll be at the weight I want to be at by St. Patrick’s Day 2008 – almost one year exactly from the day I started this weight loss endeavor (I started March 20th). There’s part of me that still doesn’t believe I can do this – and now I’m questioning not so much my reserve and dedication and determination as I am my own physiology. I’m worried that I’ll hit a proverbial metabolic brick wall and not be able to progress past it. Like last week and the week before – doing everything right, but still not losing at all. Ah well, I guess I’ll jump off that bridge when I get to it, right? I’m not going to allow myself to worry about it until I have stalled out and not lost anything for an entire month. (Now if I can actually do that remains to be seen, but I’ll do my best.)

I’ve started losing a little of my motivation – I’ve realized that I’m into the long haul now and the next eight months or so just stretch out in front of me endlessly. I know that I can do this, I know that I can make myself exercise and eat right, I’m just worried that I’m going to get frustrated with how long this is taking and get even more discouraged. I REFUSE to give up though. Even if it takes me ten years I will be at least close to the weight I want to be, dammit. This was easy when I was dropping between six and ten pounds a WEEK – not kidding – but I know that’s not healthy for me, and it’s much better for my body that my weight loss has slowed down considerably. I need to figure out how I can make myself take this one week at a time, instead of looking at all of it at once. I guess I’ve just always been short on patience when it comes to myself – I want instant results, you know? I’ve always been an instant gratification kind of person. Of course when I think about how long I have been overweight (20+ years!), 12 months can almost be counted as, if not instant, rapid gratification, right?

Next, I want to buy a bike.

~Becky